Zombie Lesson #7

The time is upon us. Everyone is getting sick, and personally my allergies are the worst! It seems only logical to assume that our bodies are slowly breaking down, thus bringing about the Zombie Apocalypse.


When that time comes you want to surround yourself with the right people. You don't want anyone who will slow you down or become a danger to your group. Here is a list of people to avoid or to have join your team.

Lesson 7: "A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world." -Lois Wyse

1. Avoid anyone with a physical handicap that stops them from full on running for their lives. Let's all be honest here, there's going to be no time to help people who will eventually become a burden to your group. Keep walking.

2. Avoid the adventure seekers. We've all seen the movies. You'll have the very adventurous, athletically built, action seekers that convenience a small group of people to go the stupid route because they think they can do a better job leading. Like I even have to say what comes next? At least that group of people will distract the zombies so your group can slip past undetected.

3. Avoid Canadians.

4. Ask those friends that you wish you didn't have along with you. You can throw them in the way when you have to make a quick escape. Then, if the world ever recovers, you don't have to pretend to be friends with them anymore.

5. Ask anyone who hunts along with you for obvious reason. Also ask them to join you if they were even passably good at shooting a bb gun when they were a kid. It wouldn't hurt.

6. Avoid the homeless people. They don't even have the motivation to get a job so they can stop living on the streets, are they going to have the motivation to live and fight against zombies?

7. Ask Christian Bale to join your group. He's totally hot and anyone who's played Batman in a movie has earned the right to be on your team.
Note: The Batman Rule only applies to Christian Bale and Michael Keaton. Val Kilmer is too overweight now and George Clooney was a "phoning-it-in" Batman (Worst mistake ever).

8. Ask anyone who was ever in the military to join your group, this should include the whole group from Battle L.A. If they can take down the aliens they can definitely help with zombies.


9. Avoid anyone who looks or sounds like Paris Hilton. What are those types good for?......Exactly.


10. Avoid people who "weren't made for manual labor." You'll end up doing all the work for them. No good.

11. Ask police officers to join, but avoid firemen. Hose jockeys fit into the same category as adventure seekers.

So, this might be a great time to consider what kind of friends you surround yourself with. Can you count on your friends in a life or death struggle during the Zombie War? If not, ditch them and find some that can.

I leave you humming "That's What Friends Are For" from Disney's The Jungle Book.