As we enter this Holiday season, there is probably a lot on our minds. Mainly, how many presents we still need to get and hoping the sales last as long as our money does. However, when you're huddled with your loved ones this winter in front of the fire remember, this could be your last. At any moment the Zombie Apocalypse could begin.
After the zombie outbreak, as humans, we will need to celebrate the holidays. For our morale, and for the morale of those who have just happened to survive with us. Luckily, my family and I have been preparing for such a day, so we'll be able to celebrate together. If you aren't as lucky celebrate with whoever you're with.
Here are a few simple things to keep in mind when celebrating a Zombie Christmas (Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, if you prefer.)
Lesson 3: Have Yourself a Merry Zombie Christmas (obviously, sung to the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas).
A.) No Christmas lights. The last thing you want, after surviving for this long, is to die because of a strand of multi-colored blinking lights. It's like the sign of your favorite diner pointing the way "Dinner this way!"
B.) Unless you, by chance have a Christmas tree in the place you've decided to hole up, don't go out and get one. You go out, make a ton of noise cutting it down and then you leave wonderfully helpful tracks for your "friends."
C.) Keep the holiday singing to a minimum. The same rules apply here, don't bring attention to yourself.
D.) Do not attend holiday services. Do I have to remind you of what can happen in a service full of people?! (Z. Lesson #3)
E.) When you hear something on your roof Christmas Eve, just assume it's a zombie, not Old St. Nick.
F.) The only fire you should be in front of is the one that's burning the corpses of the zombies you've killed.
G.) By all means, have a Holiday Feast. Eat what rations you have. Just don't come crying to me when you've run out of food.
Keeps these points in mind and you should be fine. It's the winter time now and zombie attacks will be at a minimum. Want to know why? What are you made of? If you said human flesh, you're correct! Now, what are zombies made of? If you said human flesh, you're on a roll! What happens to humans when they're in below zero temperatures? They freeze, and that's exactly what zombies do. This might seem great, but don't forget about what comes in right behind winter to thaw all those zombie popsicles. You still need to be careful when walking out enjoying the snow.
I leave you humming "Walking in a Winter Zombieland."
Well done.
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