Monday, October 19, 2009

Zombie Lesson #4

The time has come for the fourth installment of our Zombie Lessons. This one is all about vehicles. Which ones to avoid and which ones will be your unlikely saviors.

Lesson 4: "No matter what our age, gender, race, economic status, or geographical location, we are taught that this omnipotent machine, in all its wondrous forms, is the answer to our prayers" (p 103).

A. The Sedan really counts as "everyman's car." These cars are great with mpg, but not so great with all types of terrains. When you see these cars, move the other direction. More than likely, the neighbor's family sedan still has the family in it....reanimated.
B. SUVs will be great for all terrain....unless they're actually a cereal toy. They look great on the box, but then you get to the bottom and pull out a tiny cheap version of the toy shown on the box. Some are merely for show. Watch out for those.
C. The off balance weight of a pick up truck might get you into trouble. Like SUVs, certain models aren't all that great in different terrain.
D. A bus might seem ideal. Lots of room for passengers and equipment alike. However, can you drive a bus? I didn't think so. They're hard to maneuver, less fuel efficient and lack both off-road capability and stealth. Why do you think school buses are painted yellow?! To get the attention of other drivers (or zombies in this case).
E. Armored cars, if you can actually get a hold of one, would be great. Until you run out of gas. Thus, turning you into canned meat. Good luck.
F. The best gas run vehicle to drive to safety during a zombie attack is the motorcycle. More specifically the dirt bike. All terrain, up to great speeds and beyond maneuverable. Dirt bikes are light weight and can allow you to zip right through a crowd of "unmentionables." However, please keep in mind the fatalities that come from ordinary motorcycle accidents. Now imagine the same accidents with zombies. Mom and Dad, just steal the dirt bikes from those morons down the street. They won't miss them, seeing as how stupid people are always the first ones to get eaten.
G. This brings us to the horse. Yes, that's right, the horse. Think about it this way. Yes, a horse could be killed and eaten by zombies. But, horses do not need fuel and they can eat along the way. Also, they have been proven to sense danger and want to go in the opposite direction. Traveling the opposite direction from zombies, is that such a bad thing?
H. I know finding a horse might be difficult especially if you live in the city. Not mentioning how slim your chances are of getting out of a city, there is one vehicle that you can rely on. The bicycle! It moves silently and has no need for fuel. Your legs are what fuel this machine. But this means you have to be in shape. You can also pick up your bike and carry it over rough terrain. My number one choice.

For most of you, I still suggest staying and defending your home for as long as possible. Only take to the road if you absolutely have to.

Roads are going to be packed with trash, luggage and other obstacles that people thought were necessary, but then changed opinions when fleeing a mob of the living dead. Think of this; roads will also be packed with abandoned cars. Say there is a mass exodus from a big city and those people cram the highways trying to get out. All zombies in the area converge onto that road, rightly so because they smell and hear a buffet. They start from the back and sweep their way forward, car by car, eliminating the occupants of those cars. So, what of those people who were bitten through a smashed window, but as recently animated zombies lacked the incentive to find a way out of their cars because they could not detect food? Go ahead; skip on by those abandoned cars. Give those trapped zombies the motivation they lacked before.

God speed and stay away from those highways.

I leave you humming "Highway to Hell."

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